


Just Make It Stop

by Boogum



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M, Humor, Just a bit of fun, Katara VS the World, Master/Servant, Sex God Zuko, Soulmate AU, Zutara, unconnected one-shots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-10-15 01:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17519336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boogum/pseuds/Boogum
Summary: A Zutara parody collection. All cliches. All crack. All shameless. Chapter 6: In which Katara wants Fire Lord Zuko to be her boyfriend. Too bad he's the fandom's bicycle and everyone is out to stop her.





	1. F is for ...

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by an anonymous prompt request on tumblr, who asked for a crack soulmate AU. It didn't end up how I expected, but hope you enjoy, anon!

Everyone knew about the soulmate bond. Everyone knew because you couldn't escape it. Every single person in the world had the first words they'd hear from their fated love's lips imprinted on their body (even if, in the case for those who were deaf, they didn't hear it at all). For some, this could be as innocuous as a "Good morning" on the wrist; for others, a dramatic "Not my cabbages!" on the leg. Katara was especially unlucky. She had hers smack dam in the middle of her forehead, and it posed a question which people had been asking for a hundred years:

_Where is the Avatar?_

Yep, that was her. Avatar Girl. Granted, there had been a time when she'd taken hope from her soulmark (she liked to think it meant the Avatar would return). It had also caused quite the reaction in the airbender she and Sokka had found trapped in that iceberg. (His first words to her had been something like, "Wow, look at that soulmark on your head. I'mtotallynottheAvatar. So, uh, do you want to go penguin sledding with me?")

But that was all beside the point, because some Fire Nation creep had just attacked her village and asked that fated question, and now her soulmark was glowing.

Her soulmark was glowing.

"Not you!" she exclaimed in loathing.

Bam! Jerk Face's head lit up like a bunch of fireflies under his helmet. He and Katara stared at each other in mutual horror. So did everyone else.

"Holy fireflakes," one of the Fire Nation soldiers muttered. "That girl is Prince Zuko's soulmate."

" _Prince_?" the tribe echoed as if his title were the foulest of curse words.

Meanwhile, Katara and Prince Creep were still transfixed, both just standing there frozen and like their souls had vacated their bodies. This was so not happening. This was so, so not happening.

"Sneak Attack!" Sokka yelled.

Someone really needed to tell her brother that yelling "sneak attack" defeated the purpose of a sneak attack. Prince Creep's revulsion, however, seemed to be just as intense and immobilising as hers, for he didn't register the incoming blow until it was too late. His helmet went clang and toppled off him. Now those dooming words on his forehead were revealed in all their glowing vibrancy.

_Not you!_

Katara wanted to cover her eyes. She wanted to wish those horrible words on both their foreheads away. Instead, all she could do was watch as Prince Creep swiftly dealt with her brother and then turned back to face her. His nose scrunched a little. She scrunched her nose right back at him.

"Uh, Prince Zuko," the same soldier from before said. "What should we do? I mean, uh … should we take the girl?"

"I don't want the girl! I want the Avatar!"

One of the older ladies snorted. "Kid just admitted he gets his jollies from wrinkly old men."

Colour exploded on Prince Creep's face. "That is _not_ what I said!"

The tribe only laughed more. Even Katara smothered a giggle.

"Shut up!" he commanded.

The laughter got louder.

Smoke coiled from his nostrils and fire sparked from his hands. "I said shut up!"

This time, everyone did go quiet. The spits of fire were a reminder that this was an invasion of sorts and the Jerk Prince with his glowing forehead had actually come here as an enemy. Though he did look ridiculous with his pouty scowl and the huge _Not You!_ glowing away.

Soldier Guy cleared his throat. "So, uh, that was a no to the girl, right?"

"Obviously!"

"But she's your soulmate!"

Prince Creep and Katara pulled identical faces of disgust. "Yeah, there's no way we're ever going to fall in love," they said in unison.

And promptly looked even more revolted that they'd managed to be in sync.

Gran Gran rubbed her chin. "But you are soulmates. Anyone can see that."

"Gran Gran!" Katara exclaimed, looking betrayed.

"I'm just saying that you can't deny the magic."

"Just watch me!" Katara raised her chin. "I'd rather be alone forever and have these stupid words glow on my head every day than put up with that guy!"

"That makes two of us!" he said heatedly. Then frowned. "Except I mean I wouldn't want to put up with you. Because I'm me, so that makes me 'that guy', and uh …"

Everyone blinked at him.

"You know what I mean," he finished lamely.

Gran Gran gave him the raised eyebrow of sassy old lady judgement. Even the little kids stared at him like he'd grown a second head. Katara's expression was the judgiest of all. It seemed she was not only soulmated to the prince of her enemies; she was soulmated to an idiot.

Prince Creep folded his arms across his admittedly broad chest. "Ugh, enough of this soulmate rubbish! I came here to find the Avatar, and I know you're hiding him, so—"

"Uh, Prince Zuko?"

"—I don't want to hear any more about soulmates or this girl or—"

"Prince Zuko, you might not want to—"

There was a sizzling crack and then Katara suddenly found herself being yanked towards Prince Creep as if tugged by an invisible thread. Her right hand slapped against his left.

And remained stuck.

"Oh dear," Gran Gran and the soldier said. "It happened."

Katara pulled and pulled and pulled, but her hand wouldn't unstick from his. Prince Creep cursed and tried to pry their hands apart with his other hand. This also didn't work.

"What's going on?" Katara demanded. "Why won't our hands come loose?"

"Soulmate bonds. Deny it enough and it'll just force you together. You're going to be stuck like that until you fall in love, I guess. Or kill each other."

Katara and Prince Creep exchanged another look of mutual horror. Their lips moved in unison to shape words:

"I am so fu—"

"Fated!" a portly old man said with glee, descending down the ramp of the ship. "This is clearly a fated day!"

Nope. It was definitely the other F word.


	2. Prince of Panty Dropping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to all the people who have ever wondered how Zuko the Awkward became Zuko the Smooth Operator Sex God.

"You saved me," Katara said, looking up at him with wide-eyes, her face mere inches from his.

Zuko's pulse quickened. He was rather conscious of all the waterbender in his space. Much as they were enemies (he guessed? He was supposed to be Lee the tea server now and it had been a while since he'd done the whole "RAWR! MUST CAPTURE AVATAR!" thing), but he digressed. The point was that he was still a teenage boy, she was very much a teenage girl, and right now he could feel all the softness of her body pressed against him. This was good (but also really, really not good).

The prince released her as if burned and rubbed the base of his neck. "Oh, uh, it was nothing. I mean, it was just instinct. I would have done that for anyone if I'd seen them in trouble. Old man, little kid, homeless rabaroo. Really, it was nothing. So, uh, just forget you ever saw me and—"

"Zuko, what are you doing?" Katara pouted. "You're going off script."

He blinked. "Excuse me?"

"You weren't supposed to let me go yet. And what's with that awkward reply? You're supposed to say something flirty." She placed her finger to her chin. "Though I guess mean also works."

Now it was his eyes that widened. "You want me to be mean to you?"

"Mean _flirty_." She rolled her eyes. "There's a difference, you know. Like, you could have said something like 'if I'd known it was you, I wouldn't have bothered'."

He scrunched his nose. "How is that flirty?"

"It just is, okay! It means I can snap back at you, and then you'll say something else, and then we'll be frolicking in puddles of UST."

"I see." Zuko took a step back from her. "Well, I'm not really in the mood for, uh, frolicking in puddles."

"Of UST!"

"Er, right." Zuko took another step backwards. "That. So I'll just be—"

She latched onto his arms. "You can't leave yet!"

Zuko's eyes bulged with alarm. This girl was crazy.

"You're supposed to say something flirty to me so when we have hot sex later it'll be at least semi believable!"

Zuko's eyes were so wide now that it felt like they might pop out of his sockets. His jaw had also dropped to leave his mouth hanging wide open. "What?" he managed to squeak.

And it really was a squeak. He hadn't sounded that high since he was three years old.

Katara tugged him closer. "That's what this is all about, you know: the hot sex that you're supposed to seduce me into. Why else do you think the fact I'm a master waterbender and capable of protecting myself got ignored just so you can save me? It's all about the setup, Zuko, and you're ruining it. So get seducing, Fire Prince!"

Zuko's cheeks burned hotter than the sun. "Look, I don't know what spell of crazy you've been hit with, but—" he frowned at her hands, which were resisting all his yanking for release. "Why aren't you letting me go?"

"I'm still waiting for you to say something flirty." She smirked up at him. "C'mon, it should be easy for you, right? We all know you're Zuko the Charmer, Zuko the Prince of Panty Dropping—"

_"What?"_

"Zuko the Sex God," she finished, not even batting an eyelash. "And that's why, even though we've always been enemies, only _you_ can seduce me into having hot sex with you today." Her smirk widened. "So, what's it gonna be? Are you gonna ask me how I'll show my thanks to you? Just demand a kiss outright? Maybe take me back to your place so—"

"No!" He frantically tried to free himself of her grip. "I wouldn't say any of that stuff. And why the heck would I take you home?"

"So we can have hot sex, of course!"

If it was possible, his cheeks burned even hotter. "Would you stop saying that?" he hissed, giving a quick glance up and down the street to make sure no one had noticed.

"Saying what?"

"H-ho—" Ah, geez, he couldn't even say it without blushing and stammering.

"You mean hot sex?" she asked.

He nodded, still very heated about the ears.

A wicked grin curved her lips. "HOT SEX! HOT SEX! PRINCE ZUKO AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE HOmmmmph—"

Zuko kept his hand clamped tightly over her mouth. He was so embarrassed. Then something wet slid against his palm and he let out an unmanly shriek and released her.

"You licked me!" he accused.

"I could lick you somewhere else if you like."

He visibly gulped.

Katara frowned. "Why didn't you use that opening?"

"Use what opening?"

"The licking line, idiot! That was the perfect moment to say something flirty back and let us frolic in puddles of UST! There were so many options. You could have put your arm around my waist—" she suited action to word "—got in real close, and then lowered your voice like so and said 'how about I lick you instead?'"

Zuko wasn't sure how his blush had started spreading down his chest, but somehow it had. He felt like he was on fire with awkwardness and embarrassment. He was also getting a little hot and bothered in a different part of his anatomy. All this talk of sex and licking was putting terrible thoughts into his mind and he didn't know how to react.

"I'm really late for my tea serving job," he speed-mumbled, throwing all of his body weight against her arms to break free. He staggered a few, graceless steps but managed to correct his balance. "Uncle will be worried."

"Wait!" She snagged the back of his tunic.

Zuko let out a sound that sounded suspiciously like "meep".

"Why are you bringing up the old man and trying to run again?" she demanded.

"Katara, if you just—"

"That is a total mood killer, you know. We'll never get to the hot sex part if you keep acting like some delicate little virgin who's—"

Zuko choked on his own phlegm. He coughed and coughed and Katara actually had to pat him on the back to help him breathe again. When their eyes met, she was frowning.

"Don't tell me," she said flatly. "You actually are a virgin."

His darkening blush was the only answer she needed.

Katara groaned and smacked her palm to her forehead, though she recovered a second later. "But what about the prostitutes?" she cried, seizing his arms again.

"The what?"

"Prostitutes, Zuko! You know, the male rite of passage you had when you were fourteen!" She tilted her head to the side. "Though some people hold to the theory your dad gave you a prostitute as a gift when you were thirteen."

Zuko's jaw dropped. "Why on earth would my father do that?"

She shrugged. "You're a prince. Isn't that what royals do: get all kinky in the palace?"

"No!"

Geez. The only thing his father had given him when he was thirteen was a scar and banishment. Ozai hadn't even given him birthday gifts half the time—said they were distractions and Zuko would do better to focus on his bending.

Katara folded her arms under her breasts. "Alright, so you didn't do the naughty at the palace when you were thirteen. What's your excuse for keeping your virginal petals unsullied during the past three years, huh? Are you a hormonal teenager or what?"

"Uh, maybe because I had other things on my mind!" Now he was getting frustrated. "Why would I bother having sex with random prostitutes when all I wanted was to capture the Avatar?"

"Good for stress relief?"

He blushed and spluttered and declared very emphatically that it didn't matter now because he had not been visiting prostitutes at every port, not to mention his sex life—or lack of—was none of her business. "So just drop it!" he snapped.

Katara considered him for a long moment. Then she rolled her shoulders and clicked all her fingers like a warrior about to take her turn into the ring. "Alright, I can see I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands if I want to make you the real Prince of Panty Dropping."

"W-what?" He backed up a few steps.

She grinned and trapped him against a building. "Don't worry, Zuko. I'll take it nice and slow and teach you all you need to know." The length of her body pressed against his as she leaned up to whisper in his ear. "I hope you'll prove yourself a good student; I'll be looking forward to your practical exam."

He gulped.

And then later they had hot sex.

End


	3. Master of Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Advocaat for not only suggesting this idea but also giving me a mountain of skills to work with. Dedicated to everyone who has ever wondered "Uh, since when was Zuko good at that?"

Hunting

* * *

Sokka's shoulders slumped as he came back to the group. "Sorry, guys. I only managed to get this." He held up the stringy hen-rabbit.

Toph squished her toes into the dirt. "Lucky that Sunshine Prince has got us covered then."

"Huh?"

Sokka glanced towards the cooking pot and saw Zuko dumping a giant boar-cow, three rabbit-hens, and a hippo-sheep on the ground next to Katara. Then Sokka just blinked.

"You caught all those?" he asked.

The prince shrugged like it was nothing. "It wasn't hard."

"But you're a fancy pants prince from a fancy pants palace! How do you even know how to hunt?"

"Oh, Sokka, get over it," Katara scolded. "You're just jealous because Zuko caught more animals than you."

"I'm not jealous! I'm confused! How is a spoiled prince supposed to hunt better than me, the hunter of our village?"

Zuko shrugged again. "I just followed the tracks."

Sokka didn't bother to demand how a prince even knew what tracks to look for. He'd probably just get a shrug again. Still, Sokka's ego as the hunter of the group had been wounded; the only thing that soothed his sensibilities was that now they had plenty of meat to eat. He supposed he'd let the weirdness of it all slide this time.

* * *

Fishing

* * *

"How did you do that?" Sokka demanded.

Zuko shrugged as he collected his pile of fish. Sokka had only managed to catch one. "It wasn't hard."

"Listen, buddy." Sokka poked him in the chest. "I fished in that stream. Those fish were like platypus bears in hibernation when the world is at its frostiest; they weren't coming out for anyone."

"I'm good at fishing."

"Since when? Last I checked you only caught a pathetic little thing that wouldn't even constitute a fish the last time you tried!"

"I lived on a ship for three years."

"You had a crew to fish and prepare everything for you!" Sokka waved his arms as he got more agitated. "I've been fishing since I could hold a rod! There's no way you can be better than me!"

Zuko shrugged again. "This is just the way things are, Sokka. You know, I could give you some tips if you like."

Sokka made a frustrated sound and threw his fish at the prince.

* * *

Delivering Babies

* * *

"We need a midwife! A midwife! This woman is having her baby right now!"

Katara rolled up her sleeves and got ready to help. Then Zuko was suddenly kneeling in front of the pregnant woman, demanding someone to get hot water and clean cloth, directing said woman to push, and basically taking charge like he was the god of birthing himself.

"What?" Katara blinked a few times. "What just happened?"

Sokka groaned from behind her. "Don't even bother to ask. He'll just shrug and say it's not hard."

Katara could only blink again.

* * *

Cooking

* * *

"I can cook dinner tonight," Zuko said. "Go get some rest."

Katara shook her head. "No offence, but I'm not sure about—"

"Trust me." He smiled in a way that made her stomach flutter. "I know what I'm doing."

So she sat on a chair in the kitchen and watched him prepare the meal. He chopped things like a ninja artist; he talked about spices and flavours in a way that made her swoon; he was a glorious, sexy piece of chef and she wanted to eat her fill of him.

Later, when she tasted the curry soup he had made, she had to resist from having a foodgasm. How was he so good? How was he possibly better than her? When she asked him, he just shrugged and said he'd picked it up here and there during his travels; it was a hobby, he guessed (never mind that he'd always had a chef and had pretty much starved once he'd been left bereft in the Earth Kingdom). Katara decided she wasn't going to complain, especially if he let her watch him prepare the meal again. Zuko was super hot when he cooked.

* * *

Carving

* * *

"Well, what do you think of my boat?" Sokka proudly held up his wood carving.

Aang tilted his head to the side. "Um, that's a boat?"

"Hey!"

"Woah, Zuko, that's amazing!" Katara exclaimed.

Sokka cringed, somehow already knowing what he was going to find. Sure enough, everyone had gathered around Prince Fancy Pants to admire his—

"HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THAT?" Sokka bellowed. "ARE YOU A WOODBENDER NOW?"

The boat was an exact replica of Zuko's old Fire Nation ship, detailed all the way down to every window, curve and even a few human figures who might have been the crew. It was stupidly perfect.

Zuko shrugged. "It's not—"

Sokka got right up in his face. "Say it's not hard and I'll gut you right now."

The prince leaned back. "Calm down. I've just practiced a lot, okay?"

"WHEN?"

Katara sighed dreamily. "I love a guy who can carve well. I bet he'd make me a beautiful betrothal necklace."

Sokka made more frustrated sounds and decided then and there that he couldn't take this anymore. Something was plain wrong with the world if Zuko was better at carving than him.

Toph patted him on the arm. "There's no need to go all capslock, Sokka. I think your boat looks great."

"Really?"

She snorted and waved her hand in front of her eyes. Sokka's shoulders slumped. This sucked. At this rate, he was going to be left with no skills to claim as his own in the group.

* * *

Every Damn Thing Under the Sun

* * *

"You want to have a poetry competition with me?" Zuko asked, creasing his brow.

"Yes," Sokka said. "But it has to be an original composition." A smug smile curved the non-bender's mouth. There was no way the awkward guy who tripped over his own words could be good at poetry. "I'll go first."

Then he could make the prince feel like there was no chance of competing. Maybe Zuko would even wimp out; all had to bow to Sokka's impressive haiku skills. The dark-skinned teen cleared his throat dramatically and began to speak:

_"With my boomerang,_

_I take down all the bad guys,_

_Sokka is the best."_

Sokka bowed to unenthusiastic applause from the rest of the group. He didn't let that bother him and simply grinned at Zuko. "Your turn!"

Zuko shrugged. "Okay."

Then the prince started to speak as if the spirits of poetry had blessed his tongue. Sokka was left gobsmacked.

"HOW?" he wailed. "HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?"

"I can give you some tips if you—"

Sokka just made lots of frustrated sounds and then demanded they try a singing competition instead. Zuko busted out an impressive baritone that made females, Haru, and a whole bunch of animals gather around him in adoration. Then he switched to operatic and the hills came alive with music. Rainbows formed and the sun came out even though it was night.

"He's pretty good," Aang said in amazement.

Sokka looked as if he was going to start frothing at the mouth. The more he tried to one-up the prince, the more he realised how ridiculously talented Zuko was at everything. Everything. Zuko solved the most difficult maths equation known to humanity in under five seconds; he braided hair better than the girls; he milked cows like the Master of Teats; he taught Ba Sing Se university how to use the Dewey Decimal System; he made furniture that would fit in a palace (definitely a woodbender); he was a master of corralling donkeys; he hedge-trimmed like his hands were made of scissors; he knitted better than grandmas; he grew a moustache more fabulous than Haru's in less than a day; he could basketweave underwater. There seemed to be nothing Zuko couldn't do.

"Okay," Sokka said, panting slightly after losing a dancing competition. (He'd been so sure he would win that one since dancing had been banned in the Fire Nation). "Card tower building contest. You and me. Right now."

Zuko shrugged and sat down at the table opposite him. Sokka was confident he could win this time. He was definitely looking smug by the time he got to his fourth layer. Then he glanced up and saw that Zuko had created a monster of ten levels that looked like it belonged in a scroll on beautiful card architecture.

"I hate you," Sokka muttered.

Katara, however, was all swoony and gushy. Even more so when she found out the card tower's name was Dylan.

"Why Dylan?" Sokka asked. "Why would anyone give a card tower a name like that?"

But neither Zuko nor Katara answered. They were too busy sucking face since Zuko's unquestionable place as the number one badass (being the master of everything) had wooed her proper good. Needless to say, the prince was the master of kissing as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one was less blatant Zutara, but I can't tell you the number of Zutara fics I've read where Zuko is magically amazing at all this stuff. It makes me want to laugh and facepalm.
> 
> Also, Dylan the card tower is not mine; I just borrowed him from Advocaat's genius.


	4. Call Me Master (Take 1: The Prince's Obsession)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This cliché is a particular cringer for me. Not gonna lie. I'd rather read a dry text on how to window wash to perfection than put up with yet another "Katara is Zuko's servant" fic. Nevertheless, here is my parodied version.

"I finally have you," Zuko said, advancing upon her with a satisfied smile.

Katara backed up a step. "Don't think I'll follow your orders just because you've made me your servant."

"But I'm your master now." He trapped her against the wall. (It magically appeared from out of nowhere. Walls have great timing like that.) Holding her gaze, he curled a loose lock of her hair around his finger. "That means you have no choice but to do everything I say."

Katara swallowed. She reminded herself that he was a horrible jerk of a prince who had betrayed her. So what if he smelt amazing or if the way he looked at her with those golden eyes made heat coil somewhere deep in her belly. Because he was a double-crossing jerk and she had more dignity than that. Probably. Okay, maybe only for a few chapters. (Unless this was a one-shot, in which case all dignity was about to get tossed out the window since this whole set up was just to get Master Zuko to seduce her into sex.) Oh, look, a bed had magically appeared as well. Well, darn. It seemed this was a one-shot.

She bit her lip. "Zuko."

"Did I say you could speak to me so informally?" His breath tickled her ear as he leaned closer. "That's Prince Zuko to you."

Her heart stuttered in her chest. Oh, dignity, why didst thou have to forsake this poor maiden so soon?

("'Tis the curse of the one-shot," Dignity responded. "Realistic development cannot be had in such a realm. Alas, this maiden must appear as shallow as a puddle, as easy as breaking pots to collect eighty Rupees for the Hylian shield, as lustful as a … well, Dignity had run out of metaphors. But the point was that this maiden was full of lust, and that overrode any strength or dignity to be found in her character.)

Katara ignored the arousal stirring within her body and raised her chin. She had to be strong. "Let me go. It's not like you even need me for a servant."

Which was true. The Fire Nation palace was full of servants. No, really. There was a servant whose only job was to peel grapes just because Azula didn't like to eat them with the skins. Still, Zuko simply flashed his teeth in a hunter's smile.

"I didn't bring you here to fold my clothes, Katara," he said in a low voice. "Making you my servant was the only way to ensure I could keep you at my side."

Now her heart was quickening even faster. Treacherous little thing. She could feel her dignity flying off her like petals in the wind.

"The others don't get it," he continued. "They don't get me. But you're different." He clasped her face in his hands. "The truth is I need you. Ever since Ba Sing Se, I haven't felt like myself. It's like an itch I can't escape."

This time, her heart exploded in her chest. (Not literally. That'd be messy … and she'd be dead.) Still, he'd just basically confessed to her. Sure, it was a little on the obsessive side, but he'd gone to all this effort just to keep her at his side. That was kind of romantic, right?

Zuko's eyes burned into hers. "Will you help me?"

Oh, darn, he used the H word. She could never turn her back on someone who needed her help. Also, her dignity quota was all used up, so that just left the shallow, lustful part of her.

Katara lowered her gaze. "What do you need me to do?"

Or so she tried to appear bashful and reluctant. Actually, she just snuck glances at the bed (which had thoughtfully coated itself in rose petals). It looked like a nice bed; she would happily spread her legs for him on it.

Zuko once more picked up a lock of her hair. "Well, first you're going to have to lose this."

She blinked at the frank statement. "Um, what?"

"And then we'll have to give you an arrow. Doing an actual tattoo might be too much, so paint will suffice. Or maybe I could just make a mask." He nodded to himself. "Yeah, that will be better."

Her brow furrowed. "Um—"

"But I did get our best tailors to sew exact replicas of the clothes. It'll be just like—"

Katara gripped his shoulders. "Zuko, just what are you wanting me to do?"

He frowned. "That's Prince Zuko. And I told you before: I haven't felt like myself since Ba Sing Se, so I brought you here to help me get satisfaction."

"Because you're obsessed with me, right?"

A snort escaped him. "Uh, no. There's only one person I've been obsessed with for the past three years. Everyone knows that."

"But—but—"

"I brought you here because you're my enemy and you know the Avatar really well, so I figured you could act like him the best. Basically, I want you to dress up like the Avatar and let me chase you." A misty smile came over his face. "It'll be just like old times."

Katara's jaw dropped. "That's why you made me your servant? But what about the sex? What about the part where you profess your undying love to me and say—"

Now it was Zuko's turn to blink. "Are you crazy? I just want to get the closure I need in capturing the Avatar. What has sex or love got to do with anything?"

Katara fell to her knees in despair. She had been prepared to accept him as her lover even for all his creepiness in forcing her to become a servant. This, however, was a kink she couldn't comprehend. Even the bed had given up on the two of them getting down and dirty and had tossed away its rose petals. It was truly a great tragedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you weren't expecting that plot twist. *cackles*
> 
> So, this is the result of me simply being unable to take the idea of Zuko actually choosing to make Katara his servant seriously in any way. Not even for a parody. I just can't, I'm sorry. That said, Look out for Take 2: Zuko Gets a Gift. (Spoiler: it's Katara, she's his servant, and this one is totes AU so we can skip all that 'YOU BETRAYD ME!11ONE1! stuff.)


	5. Call Me Master (Take 2: The Prince's Gift)

Eighteen-year-old Zuko (aged up so Katara can be sixteen and make it okay for mature sexy times) had no need or desire to force one of his enemies into being his servant. Alas, he got a Water Tribe girl as one anyway, though it was unclear whether it was his father or his sister who had created the situation. Heck, even his mother got her finger in on that pie sometimes. The fact was that Katara was now his servant and Zuko really had no idea what to do with her.

"Um." Zuko rubbed the base of his neck and frowned at the girl standing before him. She was pretty but also rather glowery. "So, I guess you'll be staying here now."

Katara kept glaring. Even he wasn't sure why she had to sleep in the room adjoining his (there were a lot of rooms in the palace and a whole servants' quarters), but the powers that be seemed to decide this was the only way. Who was he to question the powers that be?

"I don't really have a use for you," he admitted. "Everyone seems to suggest I just use you for my entertainment."

Her eyes widened. She shot a glance at the bed upon which he sat, then back at him. Colour dusted her cheeks and she balled her hands into fists. "Don't think I'll just obey your every command. You'll have to force me if you want me to entertain you like that."

"Like what?" He blinked. Why was she sounding so mad?

Katara's fists trembled. "You—you know what I mean!"

She went on to splutter something about how she had more dignity than that, regardless of whether she was his servant or not. Zuko's brow only furrowed more. This girl was getting really worked up. Damn it, this was why he hadn't wanted an enemy for a servant. Best just to move on and try smooth her ruffled feathers.

"Uh, right." He cleared his throat. "So, anyway, do you want to play Pai Sho?"

There was a long silence.

"What?" she finally managed.

"It's a game. You play it with tiles and make flower harmonies and stuff."

She continued to blink.

"Right." He rubbed the base of his neck. "I'll take that as a no. To be honest, I find it kind of boring anyway and I can never remember all the rules."

(In another part of the palace, Iroh clutched his heart as if wounded. That his own nephew could say such a thing …)

Zuko rubbed his chin. "Then how about Go Fish?"

"With cards?" Her tone sounded unreasonably suspicious.

"Of course with cards. How else would you play Go Fish?"

Katara just stared at him a moment. Then she pinched her arm. That was kind of weird.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"I'm just confirming whether you actually asked me if I wanted to play Go Fish with you."

Zuko's cheeks warmed. He folded his arms and faced the other way. "Well, if you don't want to play, you could have just said so. It's not like we have to. I only asked because you're stuck here now, and it's not like I asked for this either, and I didn't want us to have to sit here all evening being all—"

"Okay."

He paused in his rant. "What?"

"I'll play Go Fish with you."

He frowned at her. After all her rudeness, it didn't make sense that she'd just turn around and be agreeable. Yet her posture seemed to have relaxed a little, like a snail-turtle coming out of its shell. There was also a hint of curiosity in her eyes where before there had just been glares.

"Alright then." He grabbed the deck of cards from a chest on the other side of the room and then settled back on the bed. When she didn't move, he raised his eyebrows at her. "Aren't you going to sit?"

Katara tensed again. She stared at him for a moment, then to the bed, then back to him, then to the bed. Zuko exhaled through his nose.

"It's just a bed," he said dryly. "It's not going to bite."

"I—I know that."

She stomped over and settled opposite him on the bed. The way she sat, all tentative and like she was going to bolt any moment, suggested she really did think the bed was going to bite. What a strange girl.

Zuko shuffled the deck and then dealt their cards. The game began without a hitch, though it could hardly have been called scintillating.

"Got any fours?" she asked. Her eyes kept flickering from her cards to his face.

"Go fish."

She sighed and chose a card from their "ocean" pile and then it was his turn. He had better luck, but she got his three Fire Lords the next round. That was annoying, especially when the trend continued.

"I can't believe you won," Zuko complained at the end, tossing his cards and flopping against his back.

Katara grinned as she leaned over him; victory had made her lose her skittishness. "You're not going to be a sore loser, are you?"

He propped himself up on his elbows, only to pause as he realised how close their faces were. Warmth flooded his cheeks. She also blushed and quickly moved back. Now they were both sitting as if the bed was going to bite them. So much for having an awkward-free moment. It didn't help that he was beginning to piece together why she'd been all spluttery and suspicious earlier.

Yeah. Telling her that he'd been told to use her for entertainment was definitely the wrong thing to say. Also, he didn't even want to think about what innuendo she'd been imagining when he'd asked if she wanted to play Go Fish.

"Uh …" Zuko trailed off, fidgeting with one of the cards.

He wasn't sure if he should make it clear he wasn't planning to do anything of a sexual or coercive nature to her. Just saying the words aloud would be like admitting to the hippo-elephant in the room. Zuko didn't much like admitting to such things when girls were involved.

"Wanna play again?" he asked instead.

The corners of her mouth twitched. "How about we try a different game? Do you know Snap?"

His own mouth twitched. "You're on, Water Tribe."

* * *

**OMAKE**

* * *

The bed watched the teens play cards together on its broad silkiness. It also took note of all their blushes and shy glances. Ohohohoh. If the bed had hands, it would be happily rubbing them.

Soooon. Soon it would be time to pull out the rose petals. The other furniture could call it a pervert all they liked, but they didn't understand! This was the ultimate coming of age experience for a bed, and this particular four-poster had almost given up on getting it since Prince Zuko, its owner, was about as skilled at seduction as a skunk-rat trying to woo a princess. But now the tide was changing, rainbows adorned the skies, butterfly-bees buzzed and rabbits happily … rabbited.

Ah. The thread got lost somewhere in amongst all that. The point was that Prince Zuko "breaking in his bed" didn't seem so farfetched now. Said bed was pretty damn pleased about this. It didn't hurt that the blue-eyed girl was rather pleasant on the bedly eye either. (You know, as far as human things went. In the furniture world, it was rumoured that a certain loveseat residing at the Ember Island summer home was the fairest of them all, but she only had eyes for a sofa or something. Pssh. Sofas. Everyone knew that beds were better for sexy times.)

In any case, the bed approved of Katara. If it had hands, it would have given its owner a big, bedsy thumps up. But, you know, it didn't have hands. So it just waited and watched and got its rose petals ready.

Soooooon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought the crack was over and then perverted beds happen.
> 
> Side note: the loveseat and sofa are a reference to Advocaat's wonderful _Musings of a Sofa_ , which you can find on FFN.


	6. Katara VS Earth Kingdom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A guest reviewer on FFN asked me to write a story where Zuko is paired with everyone. This was my response to that request …

Katara had realised rather early on that Prince Zuko was oblivious when it came to romance. All of her signals and invitations went right over his stupidly cute head. Either that or he just had it in his mind that she was still harbouring feelings for Aang and so he refused to take the initiative. This was not okay. Really, really not okay.

So Katara decided while they were having their annual reunion in Ba Sing Se that she would just ask him out on a date herself and lay her Pai Sho tiles on the board. Put it all out there. Take a risk. Or, at least, that had been the plan. The moment she entered the Jasmine Dragon, she realised it wasn't going to be that easy. For one thing, he was out doing an errand for Iroh. For another, there were two other girls waiting for him.

"Who are they?" Katara asked Iroh.

The old man explained that they were girls he and Zuko had met while pretending to be refugees. Jin, a cute, busty girl with big green eyes, had used to be a regular at the teashop where Zuko and Iroh had worked in the Lower Ring. Song, also cute and brown haired, was a healer who had helped the two firebenders when Iroh had run into a spot of trouble. Iroh twinkled as he explained that both had been quite taken with Zuko and had hoped to catch up with him again.

Katara frowned at the girls. She sat down at one of the tables and was gifted with a cup of steaming tea.

"On the house," Iroh said with a wink. "It's the least I can do for one of my nephew's good friends."

The words carried and had both Song and Jin turning in their seats to focus on Katara. Song wrinkled her brow while Jin just pursed her lips.

"You're friends with Lee?" the girls asked in unison.

Katara raised her eyebrows, then looked at Iroh. "They don't know about him?"

Jin laughed. "If you mean that his name isn't Lee, I do know. He told me himself." She shrugged. "It's just habit to call him Lee."

"Same for me," Song murmured.

The two girls frowned at each other, but they seemed to have come to the mutual conclusion that Katara was the bigger threat. She found herself the receiver of two looks of suspicion and dislike. Granted, Song was a little subtler about it, but the meaning was still clear.

Katara raised her chin. "Well, I am his friend. Actually, one of his closest friends."

Though she wanted to be something more than that to him. Her unspoken feelings must have showed through in her expression, for Jin felt the need to point out that being friends was nice and all, but she and "Lee" had been a bit more to each other than that. They'd gone a date together and kissed and everything.

"W-what?" Katara spluttered.

"That's right," Jin said with a trace of smugness. "I was his first kiss."

Song placed her teacup down. She cleared her throat with dignity. "I bet you were the one who kissed him first."

Well, that ended up a pettier response than expected.

Colour spread on Jin's cheeks. "So what? He still kissed me back!"

"A kiss doesn't necessarily mean anything," Song said primly. "What's important is shared experiences and being able to understand one another."

"Oh, and I suppose you think that's what you and Lee have?"

"Yes." She smiled and picked up her teacup. "We both have burn scars and—"

Katara placed her hands flat on the table to push herself into standing. The distinct thump had both girls turning to her again. "I'm sorry, but let's just get one thing clear. Zuko is my friend and I think I understand him better than either of you."

Jin also shot to her feet. "I knew it! You like him, don't you!"

Heat flooded Katara's cheeks. Her instinct was to deny, deny, deny, but these girls were obviously determined. For all that Katara had said that she knew Zuko better, she really didn't know how he felt about these girls. Heck, she hadn't even known that they existed until today. It was best to nip their hopes in the bud.

"I do like him," she said boldly, though her cheeks still burned. "And it's obvious to me that you both like him as well."

Song stood up. "I do. I came here to ask him out on a date."

"That's what I planned to do!" Jin declared.

Katara folded her arms across her chest. "Hate to break it to you, but the one who'll be going on a date with him is me."

The two girls shared a glance and then moved to block Katara's way.

"Then we'll just have to make sure you can't ask him," Jin said.

Song nodded. "You may have the edge, Water Tribe, but—"

"Us Earth Kingdom girls will join forces to defeat you!" Jin finished.

Katara's eyebrows disappeared into her hair. "You want to fight me?"

"If it means winning Lee's love, then yes!" Jin and Song said in unison.

Jin stepped forward. "Take this!"

Katara had been prepared for an attack of some kind, maybe earthbending. What she had not been prepared for was for Jin to thrust her chest out, flick her plait over her shoulder, and wink.

"Uh …" Katara blinked. "What is that?"

"It's my special move," Jin explained. "Cute and Busty Flirty Burst!"

Song pressed her palm to her forehead. "Don't you have any dignity? I'll show you a real move."

Katara moved her hand as if to reach for the cork on her water flask, but she might as well have saved her energy. Song simply clasped her hands together in front of her in a prayerful way, tilted her head a bit, and smiled softly.

"Okay," Katara said slowly. "And what is that?"

"Angelic Healer Charm technique." Song smiled even more softly. "It leaves my opponents befuddled."

"Yeah, I'm not befuddled." Katara turned to leave. "This is a waste of time. I'll just go find Zuko myself."

Smelly herb paste splattered on the door.

"Stop right there," Song said. "I've created a barrier and now you can't go."

Iroh protested at this abuse of his teashop, but none of the girls paid attention to him. Instead, Katara uncorked her water and let it flow around her hands.

"Fine," she said. "You wanna fight? Let's fight!"

She attacked swiftly by splashing both girls in the face with water. Neither seemed to be fighters, so she knew she couldn't go all in. Still, when Jin's breasts magically got larger and tried to crush her, she realised these girls were serious (and rather strange).

"H-how?" Katara spluttered. "Your boobs are—"

"My greatest weapons," Jin said with triumph. "Think you can defeat me now, Miss Flatty?"

Katara scowled. "Oh, it's on!"

The two continued to fight. Song acted as healer support for Jin, occasionally trying to impede Katara with her smelly poultices and other icky herbal concoctions. Much smack was also dished out between the three. Jin said Katara had no hope getting Zuko because she'd be forever stuck in the friend zone. Katara responded that Jin was just a busty floozy who'd never be anything more than a one-kiss stand. Song told them both that she was going to get the prince because the moment she'd shared with him on her porch was unforgettable … and he'd stolen her family's ostrich-horse and his sense of guilt meant he felt he had to make it up to her.

"You little sneak!" Jin cried.

The fight degenerated into a three-way battle. Song was soon left slumped on the ground, dripping wet, and holding her hand pitifully to the sky as if on her death throes.

"But I'm a cute healer and my moment with him had been so good," she said. "How can you beat me?"

"Magic healing water beats stinky poultices any day," Katara said bluntly. "Besides, you wanna talk of moments? Zuko actually let me touch his scar and that was when we were still enemies."

"Noooooooooooo!" Song cried, then passed out with angelic dignity.

Jin cackled. "It's just you and me now, Water Tribe!"

"Actually, this fight is over." Katara met her square in the eyes. "You might be cute and busty, but I know the truth."

"What?"

"Your boobs are all padding. Plus, I don't think he actually cares about that kind of thing. His ex was pretty flat."

"Noooooooooooo!" Jin wailed in an echo of Song's.

Katara delivered the finishing blow with a final splash of water. She dusted off her hands and then turned to find Iroh staring in bemusement at her.

"Uh … what just happened?" Iroh asked.

"Just a little fight between girls."

Katara smiled to herself, although she wouldn't be smiling for long. Little did she know that this was the beginning of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I decided to take a Scott Pilgrim approach to the whole "Zuko paired with everyone" thing. This is only part 1, so there will indeed be more.


	7. Katara VS the Boys

"Katara, can I talk to you?" Aang asked.

"Sure."

She had been trying to find Zuko, but Aang had found her first in the market and he looked kind of troubled. She'd feel guilty if she ignored him.

"What's up?" she said.

He looked down at his feet. "Well, um, I've been having these … feelings lately."

"Feelings?"

"Yeah. Around a certain person."

Something plummeted in her stomach. Oh no. He wasn't going to confess to her again, was he? She thought they were beyond this now.

"It's about Zuko."

Katara blinked. "Zuko?"

Pink dusted Aang's cheeks. "I just ... lately, when he's around me, my heart beats really fast. And when he speaks to me or touches my shoulder or something, it's like I get all fluttery and, and"—his blush darkened—"um, I just feel lots of things."

"Your heart beats fast and you get all fluttery," Katara repeated. She looked as if she had been stuffed.

"Yeah." He moistened his lips and rubbed the base of his neck. "I … I also have these dreams."

"Dreams?"

He nodded. "About kissing … and stuff."

"Kissing … Zuko?"

Aang's face was so red it was almost shining. "Yeah," he shyly admitted. "The thing is, I only ever used to get this way around you, so I'm a bit confused."

She blinked a few times. She had not been expecting to have this conversation. "Uh, Aang, I'm not sure what to say. It sounds like you're attracted to Zuko."

"Huh, so that really is it?"

"Uh, I guess? Have you ever been attracted to other boys before?"

"Not at all. It's more like … something in the universe was telling me that I really liked Zuko." He shrugged and a grin spread across his lips. "Well, I guess Zuko's just special. I'm gonna tell him how I feel. Maybe he'll agree to go on a date with me to the zoo."

"Wait, Aang—"

Katara was left reaching at nothing while Aang disappeared on his glider.

Was she ... was she now competing with Aang for Zuko? This was so weird.

oOo

It was not long after Aang had flown off that Katara bumped into Sokka. He'd been in the middle of shopping for bags and was trying to decide between two different ones. His expression perked up when he saw her.

"Oh, Katara, great timing. Which do you think is better?" He held the bags up.

She frowned, momentarily diverted. The one on the left looked sturdy and practical while the one on the right was just cloth and of a golden colour. "Uh, I don't know. You could probably carry more with that one," she said, gesturing to the one on the left. "Listen, have you seen—"

"That's what I thought, but this one would bring out the colour of his eyes."

"Whose eyes?"

"Zuko's."

She blinked. "You're shopping for Zuko?"

His cheeks went a bit pink.

Katara's stomach began to wriggle unpleasantly. A suspicion had taken root. "Sokka," she said slowly, "why are you looking at bags for Zuko?"

"I just wanted to get him a little gift."

"You mean a bag that will match his eyes?"

Her tone was dry and it made his blush darken. He placed the bags down.

"Alright, fine. I like him. Happy?"

"No." She folded her arms across her chest. "No, I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. Since when have _you_ liked Zuko?"

He frowned for a moment. "You know, I don't know. It's just like something in the universe was telling me that I do."

"But you like girls! You've always liked girls!"

"Guess I'm bisexual."

"Since when?"

She knew she was beginning to sound a little hysterical, but things were getting way out of hand here. First Aang, now her brother?

"And what about Suki?" she demanded. "Aren't you two dating?"

"Oh, we broke up. I realised the person I've really liked all along is Zuko. I mean, we have so much in common. We both like meat, swords, sarcasm …"

"And what about him? Does he like you?"

"I haven't asked him yet, but"—he struck a pose—"there's no way he can resist this. I am the full package deal of charm, wit and good looks. He'll be falling for me in no time."

"What if he only likes girls?"

Sokka made a scoffing noise. "Please. You should know that everyone can be bisexual if the universe wills it enough, even you."

Katara pressed her palm to her forehead. "This is insane."

"Hey! What kind of response is that? You're my sister. You're supposed to be supportive when I tell you these things."

"Don't get me wrong, if you wanna like guys and girls, then fine. I'll support you all the way. But"—she held her chin high—"Zuko is going to be _my_ boyfriend, Sokka. I like him and I won't stand down for anyone."

He straightened a little. "Oh. So, that's how it is, huh?"

"Yes."

They glared at each other for a moment, years of sibling squabbles rearing between them. Much as they got along, neither was good at sharing when it came to the things they really cared about. Sokka suddenly grabbed one of the bags.

"BAG ATTACK!"

Katara made an "ooph" sound and found herself with a face full of cloth. Then Sokka was off, saying he was going to ask Zuko out first and there was nothing she could do to stop him. It was first in, first served.

"Sokka!" She wrenched the bag off her head.

Her brother was nowhere to be seen until she caught a glimpse of Water Tribe blue disappearing down one of the side alleys. Katara sped after him, creating an ice slide for herself so she could pass over some of the crowd. Or at least tried. She only got part of the way before a pillar of earth broke her slide into glittering pieces.

Katara fell with a cry of alarm, twisting at the last moment to land on her feet. She shifted into a bending stance. A familiar boy with long brown hair and a moustache blocked her path.

"Haru?" she said, blinking.

"I can't let you ask Zuko out," he said, holding up a boulder warningly.

She slapped her palm to her forehead. "Let me guess, something in the universe told you that you really liked him."

"Actually, no. The universe doesn't seem to care who I like." He looked down and scuffed his boot against the ground. "I just wanted to feel included."

Katara huffed. "I don't have time for this!"

She blasted him back with a massive stream of water. As she ran past his bedraggled form, she heard him mumbling about whether it was the moustache that was his problem. She didn't bother to respond and kept running.

"Sokka!" she cried, once she finally caught up to her brother again. "Come back here!"

He cursed and sped up, throwing things back at her from time to time, including green turtle shells and a banana peel. Weird. She managed to avoid the projectiles and all the odd obstacles he chucked in her path. That was when they both spotted Zuko up ahead, or at least a brief snatch of him. He'd already headed into another street. The siblings exchanged a wide-eyed glance.

"I won't let you ask him out before me!" Sokka declared.

Katara tripped him up with a water whip. A smug smile fastened to her lips as she stopped in front of his prone form. "You were saying?"

Sokka leapt to his feet and got his club ready. "Fine, we'll settle this the old fashioned way. This is for meat, sarcasm, and my manly love!"

He charged. Katara froze his feet to the ground before he could get close to her.

"Sorry, Sokka," she said, "but I don't plan on losing to anyone."

She dashed off without another word, not wanting to waste time. Zuko soon came into view again. "Zu—"

A cart of cabbages suddenly swerved in front of her, completely blocking the narrow street.

"Oh, come on," Katara groaned.

The cabbage merchant glowered. "No cabbage-destroying brats are allowed beyond this point. Especially not nasty little girls who wish to ask out my precious Zuko."

"Since when did you like him?" she demanded. "Who even are you?"

"I am the cabbage merchant," he said with dignity, "and Fire Lord Zuko won my heart the day he protected my cabbages. I shall fight for him to the death."

Katara responded by flipping his cart over with a water blast. The cabbages rolled everywhere.

"My cabbages!" the merchant wailed, dropping to his knees and sobbing.

So much for fighting to the death. She ran past the cabbage-obsessed man, heart thudding against her ribs. Surely no one else would get in her way.

"That's as far as you go, Katara."

The voice came from above. She barely had time to react before Jet jumped down from the rooftops, trademark straw sticking out from between his teeth. She was ready to scream in frustration by this point. It didn't even surprise her when he claimed he was here to stop her from getting close to Zuko. Of course Jet was actually bisexual and of course the only boy he fancied was Zuko.

"That sexy piece of firebending arse is mine," Jet declared.

"I thought you hated firebenders."

He shrugged. "Zuko is special. You could almost say it's like something in the universe told me it had to be this way. Besides, I've been wanting that boy from the moment our swords tangled." He grinned lazily. "Made me wanna get a different kind of sword all tangled with his, if you know what I mean."

Katara, unfortunately, did. Her cheeks warmed at the image he had put in her head.

Jet moved closer. "But, you know, I understand that you like him as well. You've even fought to get this far, and I do admire that. So I'm willing to come to a little arrangement."

"What kind of arrangement?"

He toyed with a loose strand of her hair. "Well … you could always join us."

If her face had felt warm before, it was burning now. "W-what?" Surely he wasn't suggesting what she thought he was. "You want me to—"

"It'll be fun," he practically purred. "Two attractive guys, one attractive girl. Think of all the things we could do together."

Katara pressed her hands to her hot cheeks. The universe decided to whisper to her then, saying that Jetkotara would be a wonderful thing. It was an indulgence that made everyone happy, except, except—

"I don't want to share him with you!" Katara retorted. "I like Zuko, not you, and I only want Zuko to be my boyfriend!"

Jet sighed and unsheathed his hooked swords. "Well, I tried. Guess there's nothing for it now."

They fought. Jet used dirty moves and flirty quips, trying to throw her off her game. It was difficult to avoid his swords. Waterbending was not designed for close combat, certainly not against pointy weapons. Worse, she had less water at her disposal after using so much of it up to get this far. But Katara was nothing if not resourceful. She gathered more from an animal trough nearby and soon had him pinned to the wall with little daggers of ice.

"Don't get in my way again," she warned. "I won't be so nice next time."

Jet struggled a bit but soon slumped in defeat. This battle was over.

Katara ran ahead to where Zuko had gone and realised she was heading back towards the Jasmine Dragon. Her stomach plummeted when she found the young Fire Lord standing with Aang near the teashop. Aang was toeing circles on the ground and blushing. Zuko opened his mouth to say something, but then Aang suddenly leaned up on his tiptoes and kissed Zuko on the lips.

Aang's lips on Zuko's.

 _Aang's_ lips.

Katara couldn't even move. She was so stunned.

Zuko pushed the boy back with a firm hand on his shoulder. His own golden eyes looked rather wide. "Uh, Aang, I'm … flattered you like me and all, but I'm sorry. I don't like you in that way. I only like you as a friend."

He said this last part very emphatically. He also asked that Aang never kiss him again. A huge sigh of relief escaped Katara. Oh, thank goodness. It seemed there was hope for her yet. From the sounds of things, he wasn't interested in guys at all. Take that, Sokka and Jet.

(Haru wasn't included because no one cares about him.)

Zuko patted Aang's shoulder a bit awkwardly and then went inside the teashop. Katara took a moment to catch her breath before following. She had missed her chance to ask him out for now, but that was fine. She'd get him alone soon.


	8. Katara VS Everyone

Katara was frustrated. She had tried and tried to get Zuko alone, but it was like someone was always in the way. She went out onto the balcony to give herself time to cool down. That was when Suki found her.

"You seem troubled," Suki observed. "Is it about Zuko?"

Katara sighed and slumped against the railing. "You heard, huh?"

"Sokka was moaning about it. Said you got in his way before he could confess."

"He was trying to get in my way! Besides, I don't think Zuko is attracted to boys. He made that pretty clear when Aang kissed him."

"But he does like girls."

Katara turned just in time to avoid the punch that came for her. She stumbled back a few steps before regaining her balance. "S-Suki, what are you—"

"Sorry, but all is fair in love and war. I like him too and I'm not going to submit to you!"

They fought, or rather Katara dodged a lot before shoving Suki back with a blast of water. "What's everyone's problem at the moment?" she demanded, half hysterical. "Since when did you even like him? You've always gone for my brother!"

"Sokka told you, right? We broke up. We realised we both liked Zuko more."

Oh geez, now it made sense.

Suki whipped out her fans. "Look, Katara, you might have been the favourite once upon a time, but things are different now. I'm Zuko's bodyguard and he confides in me because he knows I care about him."

"But I'm the one Zuko confides in! I'm the one who's always cared!"

"Maybe that was true when you first became friends, but not anymore. I mean, you don't even bother to visit him or write to him."

Katara's brow creased. "Uh … I have no idea what you're talking about. I always write to Zuko. I also visit whenever I can."

"No, you don't! You've just been running around with Aang and—"

"What?"

"—and someone had to fill the gap." Suki's smile turned smug. "That person is me. Zuko sees me as his closest friend now. Thanks to the godly powers of Bryke, I have taken your place. There's no room for you at Zuko's side anymore."

Katara raised her eyebrows. "I don't know what special plant you've been smoking, but none of that makes sense. Zuko is my friend. He took lightning for me. Even if I hadn't developed feelings for him, he'll always be important to me." She got her water ready to attack. "There's no way I'm letting you take my place!"

It was as if she had received a massive power up. Suki lunged with her fans, but Katara struck faster with a surge of water, sending the other girl flying. Suki hit one of the pillars and stayed down, groaning. Her fans were now scattered from where she'd dropped them.

"Why?" Suki said weakly. "I was meant to be the one. I was meant to have taken your place."

Katara raised her chin. "Try all you want, but you can't replace me."

Suki slumped in defeat.

"Uh … what are you doing?"

Katara whipped around to find Zuko standing on the balcony. He was frowning at both of them. "Oh." She blushed and guided her water into her flask. "I, er, um—"

Before she could finish her sentence, Ty Lee dropped down from out of nowhere, chi-blocked the Fire Lord, and then spirited him away. Just like that. No warning, no talking, just POOF. Gone.

"What?" Katara blinked a few times. "Did that just …"

Yes. Yes, it had just happened.

oOo

It took a long time to find Zuko. In that time, it felt like Katara had battled half of Ba Sing Se and whoever else had decided to crash her love confession party. There had been a dangerous moment where she had been blocked by a rabid wall of fanpeople. Then Toph had appeared and she had thought even Toph would turn against her in order to claim Zuko's love, but the girl had just laughed at the idea.

"Please, I can do way better than Fire Lord Broody," Toph had declared.

"What about the universe? It's not telling you that you love him?"

"The universe can't move me. It moves _for_ me."

And that had been that. Toph had taken out the wall of fanpeople and told Katara to hurry to the fountain. Apparently, that was where he had been taken. She said she would stay behind and make sure no one followed.

Katara didn't waste time and soon arrived at the fountain to see Zuko all trussed up in chains with Ty Lee standing near him.

"I did it!" Ty Lee crowed, clapping her hands. "I won!"

"Hold on just a minute!" Katara said, one hand on her hip and pointing the other at Ty Lee like a judge … or a pretty magic girl about to transform into butt-kicking sailor mode.

Ty Lee spun around with a huge grin. "Okay, where's my lifetime supply of slinkies and vegan muffins?"

Katara blinked. "Uh …"

"You know! The prize!"

More blinking. "Prize?"

"Wasn't there a competition to capture Zuko and fabulous prizes were being offered?"

Silence.

The acrobat pouted. "Are you telling me I caught him for nothing?"

"Ty Lee, that's what I've been telling you all this time," Zuko said in a longsuffering voice. "There are no prizes!"

"Oh, phooey. I thought you just said that because you were trying to make the game more difficult."

He muttered a string of obscenities under his breath. Katara was still struggling to comprehend what was going on.

"You mean you didn't do this because you're suddenly in love with Zuko and wanted to steal him away from me because the universe told you it's the only way for you to make him your lover and—"

"You know, it's impressive you said all that in one breath, but no. I didn't. I just wanted the slinkies and muffins." Ty Lee eyed Zuko up and down. "I mean, he's cute and all, but our auras don't mesh at all."

Zuko actually looked a bit offended. "I wouldn't date you anyway."

"Great! Then it's settled!"

And with that, Ty Lee bounced off.

Katara was once again left blinking. "Did she really just …"

Yes. Yes, she had. That was two people now who hadn't been struck with the MUST LOVE ZUKO craze. Maybe it meant whatever was going on was wearing off … or Toph and Ty Lee were just special, special people …

…

That actually made more sense. Sad.

"Ah, whatever," Katara muttered, pulling herself together. "Let's get you out of these chains."

Or so had been the idea. A maniacal laugh echoed around the fountain square and then Azula—freaking Azula—jumped down from the rooftops and planted herself in front of her brother.

"I'll have to thank Ty Lee," Azula said, looking smug and perfect as she flicked a bit of invisible fluff off her sleeve. "Spreading the rumours about those slinkies and vegan muffins really worked."

"That was you?" Katara demanded.

"Of course. Why do the dirty work when you can get someone else to do it?"

Zuko eyed his sister warily. "Why are you here?"

"Isn't obvious? I've come to claim you as mine."

Katara pulled a face. "Don't tell me …"

"It's like something in the universe was telling me that all those times I tried to hurt you, all the anger and hate I felt, was just my inability to express my love in a healthy way." Azula caressed his face. "But don't worry, Brother. I will express all my love to you properly now … as your lover."

Zuko turned green. "What the—that's repulsive! We're siblings!"

Azula smiled. "Just think of it as some kinky Zucest fun."

"Zu … cest?" Katara's eyebrows tried to vanished off her forehead. "Please tell me you're kidding."

The princess was not kidding.

Zuko edged away from his sister as much as he could while chained up. "Katara, some help would be nice."

"Already on it." She dashed forward and called the water in the fountain to her and formed it into eight giant tentacles.

"Wait!" Azula said, holding out her hands. "Parley."

"Parley?" Zuko repeated.

Katara narrowed her eyes. "Who do you think I am? Pirate captain of the S.S Booty-Chaser? There'll be no parleying or negotiations here."

She went on the offensive. Azula was quick to leap out of the way and counter, but it became obvious that her time in the rehabilitation centre had dulled her fighting instincts. Perhaps that was why she'd wanted to negotiate instead of fight. In any case, the battle was swift, furious, and ended with Azula chained in the chains that had been restraining Zuko.

"This is one déjà vu I could have done without," the princess muttered.

Katara just sighed. At least no one had got hit by lightning this time.

oOo

Getting back to the Jasmine Dragon was a mission thanks to all the rabid fanpeople—Katara even spotted the Foaming Mouth Guy from Kyoshi Island—but they eventually made it back to the street. Zuko looked a bit traumatised from the whole experience.

"I don't get it," he said, as they headed for the door. "Why does everyone think they're in love with me all of a sudden? What did I do?"

"Grew a full head of hair," some random said, trying to make a snatch for him.

"Became an adorable Angstdork Lord," another chimed in.

"BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE HAS DEEMED YOU EXCEPTIONALLY SHIPPABLE WITH EVERYONE!"

Zuko and Katara blinked.

"Uh … okay," he said, eyeing the crowd that had suddenly gathered. "I'm, er, flattered … but please stop."

Katara pressed her palm to her forehead. "Save your breath. You know they won't listen."

Before the crowd could really get going again, the door to the teashop opened and Mai stepped out.

"Mai!" Katara exclaimed, catching sight of the girl.

"It's the ex-girlfriend," came a collective whisper from everyone else.

Mai paused and stared around with her usual blank expression. Then she shifted her attention to Zuko. "So it's true. Everyone really has gone crazy for you."

He shrugged and rubbed the base of his neck.

"What about you?" Katara said, stepping in front of him protectively. "Are you planning to go for him again?"

Mai glanced from the young Fire Lord to the crowd. "I'll pass," she said dryly. "Been there, done that. Plus, fighting off this mob is too much effort."

Having said her piece, she continued down the street.

"I don't know whether to be offended or not," Zuko muttered.

"Never mind that." Katara grabbed his wrist. "Let's get inside before the crowd recovers."

He couldn't argue with that, but they had barely taken a step before a voice called for them to stop.

"What now?" Katara grumbled.

They turned to see a girl with black hair and multi-coloured eyes—one blue and one gold—step forward. She was very pretty and looked exceptionally pleased with herself, but what got Katara was how the crowd just parted for her. No resistance, no stupid attempts to obstruct her way. A simple wave of her hand even had them all clearing off so that only Zuko, Katara and the girl were left in the street.

"Who're you?" Zuko demanded.

"I go by many names," she said grandly, "but you can call me The OC."

"The OC?"

"That's right." She flashed a perfect smile. "By the way, Fire Lord Zuko, this is the part where you fall instantly in love with me."

Zuko's expression went dazed. "I am in love with The OC," he said in a monotone. "She is so beautiful. I want to be with her forever."

Katara grabbed him by the shoulders. "Hey, snap out of it!"

"He can't." The OC looked very smug now, and her hair even blew in a non-existent wind. "There is no breaking my Destiny Love Charm."

"We'll see about that!"

Katara charged and lashed out with water whips. The OC blocked them with water whips of her own and streams of fire.

"Wha-what?" Katara stumbled back a few steps. "How are you—that shouldn't be—"

The OC let out a tinkling laugh. "Yes, I can bend two elements. Think you can still beat me?"

A growl was all she got in response. Katara called upon all her fighting experience and ingenuity to take down this random who'd popped out of nowhere. They clashed in splashes of water and hisses of steam. Ice ramps were created and melted, whips were tangled and unleashed, but the moment Katara thought she was getting the upper hand, she was shoved back with a slab of rock.

"Earth?" she exclaimed, eyes widening. "You can bend earth as well?"

The OC lowered her wall of rock. Her hair was silver now and her eyes more multi-coloured than ever. "I'm impressed. It's not often I have to go beyond dual-bending." She spread her arms. "Behold, my second form: Avatar OC!"

"Wow," Zuko said in that low monotone. "The Avatar OC is so beautiful. I wish I'd know about her when I was banished. Capturing the Avatar would have been way more thrilling."

Katara frowned at him before deciding that was a comment not worth a response. She swung back to The OC. "How can you be the Avatar? Aang is the Avatar?"

The girl waved her hand airily. "It's all rather complicated and not worth going into now. Fact is, I can bend four elements, and that means you can't win."

They clashed again. Katara knew she was at a disadvantage. Her water could only do so much against a wielder of air, fire, earth and water, but the sight of Zuko enthralled and the smug things The OC kept saying were enough to make her anger rise. There was no way she was going to let this girl win.

"Enough!" Katara yelled, and slammed her back with a wall of water, too fast and powerful to block.

The OC landed hard on the ground, dripping and trembling. No, not trembling. Laughing. She stood up, but as she did so it was like she can began to split herself into separate people: hundreds of girls and boys with hair, eyes, and skin of all shades. They were airbenders, earthbenders, firebenders, waterbenders, nonbenders. They were dual-benders and Avatars. Some of them looked so strange and different it was like they had fallen in from another world.

"Well?" the silver-haired leader said. "What are you going to do now? You can't fight us all."

Katara gritted her teeth. It was true that she would never be able to beat them all, but then as she took in all the different forms of The OC and got a glimpse of how they were supposed to fit into Zuko's life, she realised that maybe she didn't need to fight them off. Maybe she'd been going about this all the wrong way.

"This battle is over," Katara said confidently.

"What do you mean? We're just getting started."

"I don't think so."

The OCs rolled their eyes. It was kind of dizzying. "And why is that?"

"Because I have a trump card you'll never beat."

More eye rolling. "Really? And what's that?"

"I'm part of canon, bitches. No inserts necessary."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The OCs wailed as one, disappearing like bubbles popping until it was the lone original writhing on the ground and … melting? Ew, gross.

Katara stepped back, even as the girl continued to melt until there was only a puddle left on the ground. Her last words had been a feeble, "Curse you, canon!"

Zuko immediately snapped out of his daze. He blinked a few times. "Uh … Katara?"

"You're normal again!" She threw herself into his arms, pulling him close into a tight hug. He returned the hug immediately.

"Is it over?" he asked. "Please tell me it's over."

"I think so."

"Good." He sighed in relief and held her closer. "I've had enough of people trying to kiss me and make me their boyfriend."

Katara bit her lip. It had just occurred to her that after all the craziness, he might not believe her if she said that she liked him and wanted to date him. What if he thought she was just like all the others?

Zuko pulled back and smiled at her. "So … do you want to be my girlfriend?"

She blinked. "Huh? But you just said—"

"I know what I said, but those people aren't you. You're the only one I want to be with." His smile reached his eyes. "And you did just fight off a whole city of people for me. That was pretty impressive."

Her cheeks heated. "Well, that's good, because you're the only one I want to be with as well."

"Then that's a yes?"

"That is most definitely a yes."

Then they kissed, and if the universe thought that someone else should have been in his arms, well, the universe would just have to deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Who do you think I am? Pirate captain of the S.S Booty-Chaser? There'll be no parleying or negotiations here."_ \- This is a reference to Captain Katara and her pirate ship from my fic, _A Pirate's Life For Me_ (which I will post to AO3 eventually).
> 
> Anyway, that brings us to the end of the Katara Vs the World arc. I have a few more tropes and cliches in mind I want to tackle (including arranged marriage, 'selection' Zutara, and bed sharing), but you're welcome to throw me some prompts if you'd like to see something.


End file.
